Log in

No account? Create an account
Steph's Journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011
11:06 am - According to my browser history at work...
A is for Amazon
B is for Bill Me Later
C is for Chase
D is for Discover Card
E is for EZ Card Info
F is for Facebook
G is for Gmail
H is for Hotels
I is for ING Direct
J is for Jimmy John's
K is Kegfly
L is for Livejournal
M is for [Yahoo] Mail
N is for Netflix
O is for OkCupid
P is for PostSecret
Q is for Quizno's
R is for [Google] Reader
S is for Southwest Airlines
T is for Twitter
U is for Urban Dictionary
V is for [Google] Voice
W is for Wikipedia
X is for Xanga
Y is for YouTube
Z is for Zenni Optical


I like social media.
I like sandwiches.
I like to buy things online.
I like to know what my account balances are.
I like to travel.
I like to research things I don't know.

I don't actually do a whole lot of work.

(comment on this)

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011
10:16 am
I can only hope that your health continues to improve and you live a long and happy life.

I can only hope that you someday see that you need to change for you and no one else.

I can only hope that my absence has been a blessing to you and your perceptions.

I can only hope that you find the financial means to get out of your situation and find someone that appreciates you for your awesomeness.

I can only hope that you find somewhere to live, and that you take one of your many talents and run with it and put us all to shame.

I can only hope that any time we spend together will make you want to die a little less.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, March 11th, 2010
11:05 am
One hundred years from now when our grandkids have all had sex,
will they look back to the past and know what they've missed?
Will they think we had it better than the way they have it then?
Will they gaze at a strip mall where a field had once been?
Will they think they're born late like the way we now do it?
Or will they curse at the present and lend credence to it?
Will they hear all the old songs and think they're all true
and hate all their own songs and everything new?
Well I'm here to tell you something that's known,
from someone who's lived it from someone who's grown,
the somebody who somebody once loaned a home to.
The grass is always greener, the past is always cleaner,
the present is crap and everyone's meaner.
They say we're moving towards something
but I think we're moving from something.
There are some folks who are more apathetic
and then there are some folks who are more money grubbin'.
Well, I know there's always been greed and green acres,
and war and peace makers.
And then there's your takers and your leavers,
your havers and your needers.
And in this great froth as we skim through the batter,
there's now many more of the former and less of the latter.
Help us climb out of this pitfall disaster
led by dynasties, charlatans, but not poetasters.
Where there is a mortal disconnect spawned by gluttonous connection,
where you pick your own culture without viewer discretion.
Where there is no more history and nothing is learned.
Where you shun all your kin and all your bridges are burned.
Where you are what you buy and you're who what you own;
and you think of yourself and you live all alone.
You make yourself feel fine when everything's wrong.
The world keeps turning but you're brittle as bone.
So to all you future dreamers and lovers and leavers,
to all those who know there's still something between us that binds us
and reminds us of times that passed,
I appreciate you listening to this one man's last gas.
In spite of all the words that we can't fit to song,
I'd thank you to take off your eye shades, please... sing along.

(comment on this)

Monday, September 14th, 2009
2:08 am - My 17 cents on the VMA's...
First of all, I did not watch this because I wanted to. Two friends that do not have cable said they'd take me to Taco Bell if they could come over and watch this. So therefore my love of greasy cheesy deliciousness is responsible for this post.  We started watching about 45 minutes in which made certain parts rather confusing but figured it out later when it was re-shown immediately after the fact in classic MTV fashion.  Random thoughts in no order whatsoever:

People seemed upset that Madonna's tribute to MJ seemed all about her, but I mean really, what else was she going to talk about? If she had just recited the same facts and figures as everyone else it would have been rather pointless. At least she had enough sense to wear something long sleeved so that the gossip blogs weren't distracted by her elbows.

Russell Brand is completely useless, but honestly I have no idea who SHOULD have emceed this disaster, so I guess it makes sense.

I never liked Kanye and I never will. I never liked country music and I never will, despite how cute and innocent Taylor Swift may seem.

Lady Gaga is apparently the right kind of crazy for this time period of pop music. I can't decide if this is good or bad.

Tracy Morgan doesn't exist to me.  He's just Tracy Jordan...he won't be able to shake that persona ever.

Pink can't make it just singing, so she has to sing and hang from things. Nice.

Green Day stopped being relevant to me a long time ago. I don't know anyone that listens to them.

Beyonce can move but I'm still not into her...nice giving the young girl her moment though...gives people something to talk about.

I have a lot more respect for Eminem than when he was first popular.  I respect Jay-Z but I don't think I'll make a point to listen to his music.

Who was that one white guy that they had to create a special genre for - "college rap"?  How did he even get nominated?

I didn't miss Britney one bit.  She probably planned to be away after her embarrassments of the past.

Twilight has NOTHING TO DO WITH MUSIC AWARDS FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER HOLY.  I went to the bathroom during this segment.  PS, was Kristen Stewart trying to be Rumer Willis?

Was Muse on just for the people watching in Britain?  No one else seemed to care.

I did like Janet's tribute...it was cute when they danced together to "Scream"- him on the screen and her on the stage.  Well done.

For the record, I hate pop music.  That is all.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Monday, March 30th, 2009
10:06 am
What I really enjoy most about life is my relationships with others, this is no secret. There are but a few people I have known that truly understand what it means and what it takes to truly get to know someone else, to really get inside how they think and how they feel and understand them as much as humanly possible.  These are the kinds of connections I've dreamed about, consciously and subconsciously, for my whole life. I have experienced these connections in fleeting terms, and at the root of everything I believe it is what I live for. I'd like to believe it is what we should all live for, really, but I fear that the material desires of our civilization get in the way for most people. It's not about money or fame, it's about people, it's about being understood and understanding others. There is a vague Emerson quote I've always championed, but probably for the wrong reasons. "To be great is to be misunderstood". I don't know what it's from or what he meant by that, and it doesn't matter...because everything is up to interpretation, right? I used to love this quote because [in high school] it somehow made it okay to be weird, to be different. To not feel as though you have to fit into the 'norm', because being misunderstood just meant that people were self absorbed and not willing to get out of their box and experience a new point of view.  As I think on this now, I believe it is more than that...to be misunderstood may mean that some of us are on a different level, some sort of advanced plane of existence, of higher thinking that the masses have not achieved because they have not yet seen the need for it for their vision is clouded by societal bullshit or they are incapable of seeing it in the first place. We can be called weird all day long but we can lead a much more fulfilling life by finding out ways to push the limits and expand our imaginations and ranges of emotion and achieve something better than the average person could ever dream of. We can be experiencing true elation, intense fulfillment, and [insert other extreme positive emotions that our language has yet to be able to describe] while they're bitching about the bills they have to pay and that they think their spouse is cheating on them. I want to be bigger than that. I want to aspire to higher things - enlightenment if you will. I want to dare to live up to my potential.  I think part of the reason I gave up on monogamy is because of this idea. How can one expect to achieve this true fulfillment by having most of your emotional interactions in your life with only one other person? I like the idea of the soulmate, the completion of ones' self in this manner, but I can't seem to wrap my brain around it anymore. Everyone is unique and has amazing things to offer to me so why should I limit myself? Why should I cut myself off from the beauty of others, from the potential experiences that we could share? I think that we as humans have blocked ourselves from having these experiences in so many ways, creating this society with so many expectations that, to me, do not seem natural.  I want to defy all of this. I want create something bigger than myself, strive to experience things that no one has experienced.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, March 26th, 2009
2:28 pm - no shit
You don't take conflict lightly today and almost certainly get feisty when people try to take over what is rightfully yours. It's a good time for you to re-examine your working relationships.

(comment on this)

Monday, March 23rd, 2009
11:29 am

(comment on this)

Friday, February 27th, 2009
2:27 pm
Help me raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters in Athens County!  For more info, please visit my page:


(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, February 26th, 2009
2:33 pm - In memory of my grandfather...


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
5:12 pm

(comment on this)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
9:07 am

(comment on this)

Friday, June 13th, 2008
8:06 am - Gah...
The next 3 days are going to be horrible. I'm on my way to work to finish a project that needs to be finished today but probably can't be that isn't even my job. I have to leave work early- my mother is coming and we're going to visit my uncle and my grandpa. Then tomorrow we're going to a wedding of a friend of mine from high school that i no longer have anything in common with. I have so much to do at work and at home that this is a horrible weekend to be going anywhere, let alone for things i don't want to do. Then on sunday when i come back, i have to start moving, and i haven't even prepped anything. I just want to sleep forever.

(comment on this)

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
1:05 am - APA: Bisexuality not a transitional phase among women

Bisexuality in women appears to be a distinctive sexual orientation and not an experimental or transitional stage that some women adopt "on their way" to lesbianism, according to new research published by the American Psychological Association.

The study of 79 non-heterosexual women over 10 years found that bisexual women maintained a stable pattern of attraction to both sexes. In addition, the research appears to have debunked the stereotype that bisexual women are uninterested in or unable to commit to long-term monogamous relationships.

"This research provides the first empirical examination of competing assumptions about the nature of bisexuality, both as a sexual identity label and as a pattern of nonexclusive sexual attraction and behavior," wrote University of Utah psychologist Lisa M. Diamond, PhD, who conducted the study. "The findings demonstrate considerable fluidity in bisexual, unlabeled and lesbian women's attractions, behaviors and identities and contribute to researchers' understanding of the complexity of sexual-minority development over the life span."

Results of the research were published in the January issue of Developmental Psychology, published by the APA. This special issue of the journal focuses on research into psychological topics concerning sexual orientation and gender identity.

Diamond used interview data collected five times over a decade from 79 women who identified as lesbian, bisexual or unlabeled. The subjects initially ranged in age from 18 to 25 years old.

Among Diamond's findings:

* Bisexual and unlabeled women were more likely than lesbians to change their identity over the course of the study, but they tended to switch between bisexual and unlabeled rather than to settle on lesbian or heterosexual as their identities.

* Seventeen percent of respondents switched from a bisexual or unlabeled identity to heterosexual during the study -- but more than half of these women switched back to bisexual or unlabeled by the end.

* By year 10, most of the women were involved in long-term (i.e., more than a year in length) monogamous relationships -- 70 percent of the self-identified lesbians, 89 percent of the bisexuals, 85 percent of the unlabeled women and 67 percent of those who were then calling themselves heterosexual.

* Women's definitions of lesbianism appeared to permit more flexibility in behavior than their definitions of heterosexuality. For example, of the women who identified as lesbian in the last round of interviews, 15 percent reported having sexual contact with a man during the prior two years. In contrast, none of the women who settled on a heterosexual label at that point reported having sexual contact with a woman within the previous two years.

"This provides further support for the notion that female sexuality is relatively fluid and that the distinction between lesbian and bisexual women is not a rigid one," Diamond wrote.


(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, May 19th, 2008
9:57 am

(comment on this)

Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
4:50 pm - religionvideos.com

the internets are a weird place.  i noticed that youtube provides linkbacks to videos, so i went to see if any of the videos that i posted had been linked to from somewhere else.  most of them made sense, i.e. my dr. dog clips ended up on their lastfm page. 

however, there is a really old video that i took from senior year of a bunch of my friends being drunk and singing sublime's "santeria".  this video somehow ended up in the "santeria" category on religionvideos.com, a seemingly impartial site that comes with the tagline "exploring the religions of the world."  it's apparently in beta, and is all text right now, but has a rather intense list of religions, and then it lists videos relating to those topics.  (yes, this includes scientology indoctrination videos.)  

i find the concept interesting, considering that they're not promoting any of these religions over each other.  they currently have 28807 videos, which totals 5688 hours.  so basically you can watch videos about religion, (or in the case of santeria, videos that *seem* like they're about religion.) for nearly 8 months straight. 

i wonder what the purpose of creating this site was...they haven't put up an 'about' page.  hmm.


(3 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
7:52 pm


(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, March 28th, 2008
12:01 am
i feel myself falling. falling into old patterns. old mistakes. listening to old music. thinking old thoughts. reading old emails from old lovers that i never should have saved.

love the one you're with? i feel like i do, but i wonder if i still even know what that is. i can't tell if the passion was lacking because it always does or because we've both been sick. it felt coerced. like he felt he had to just because i tried so hard to make this birthday one to remember. in his eyes, i don't think he'll ever think i fucked up because i do so much more than his ex without even trying. but then my codependency kicks in and not only do i try so hard to be good to him, but i try to be so good that i can make up for all the shitty things that have happened to him over the years. he complains about his job, his stress levels, his apartment, his life, and he has no idea how much that makes me scream inside because i can't do anything about it. i'm not even there to try to kiss it all away. i've never felt so inadequate. nothing i do seems to even make a dent. he only tells me that it helps when he can see that i'm upset, but i hate to show him when i'm upset because any kind of unreasonable emotion just reminds him of his ex. what he doesn't realize is that i cry because i care about him, not because i'm trying to manipulate him.

everything just seems too simple. things are always more complicated than this. more dramatic, more intense. this is easy, too easy. what's missing? what am i not seeing? or maybe this is how it's supposed to be, and during everything before now i'd just been making mountains out of molehills. i don't know anything anymore. i know i don't want to be alone but am i really cut out for monogamy? am i really meant to be with someone that already has a child? can i really handle a relationship that's technically long distance? i claim that it's good that i can keep most of my independence and still be in a relationship that way. but is that really what i want? as soon as he walks out the door, a part of me goes with him. and it's sad what i'm left with. so much of my independence was based upon ideas that i'm supposed to grow out of...drinking, drugs, promiscuity. what am i without them? just a girl that's trying too hard to pretend she's 21. what's the point? what else is there? i have nothing else. i take pictures of everything so that i can always remember the good times. when people joked that there's a time and place for everything and it's called college, i believed them, and i have the pictures to prove it. and even though it's been nearly 3 years since i've taken a class, i still take pictures to try to hold on so hard to something that's slipping through my fingers...my youth. ironic i suppose.

i had a plan, a plan to live by myself for once and decorate my way and have an entire house to myself and i really liked the idea, but then the more i thought about it, the more i realized how much i'd be isolated from a community that i barely feel a part of as it is. some of my closest friends are slated to leave me anytime now, and i can't bear the thought of them leaving and having nothing to even attempt to take their place, even though nothing ever, ever could. so somehow i convinced someone 5 years my junior to live with me. why? i've realized it's so that i can feed off his youth, his vitality, to keep in touch with something that i don't even know what it is anymore. hell, i'll have to throw him a 21st birthday party after we've already lived together 10 months. i feel pathetic. and i don't understand why no one has called me out on it? isn't it obvious?

i just wish i knew what i wanted. people sometimes ask me what i want, and i've only ever been able to snap back: "if i knew what i wanted, i'd have it already" which despite the intended sarcasm, it's probably true. if i really want something, i can usually find a way to get it, the problem lies in trying to figure what i want in the first place. i have never felt so lost.

(comment on this)

Monday, March 24th, 2008
8:08 pm

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, March 16th, 2008
11:11 pm
Christmas 2006, I convinced my dad to buy me a new scale, one of the ones that calculates your percent body fat as well. I always wanted to know how it figures that out.

Sporatically ever since, I have recorded how much I weigh, just for a reference point, usually when I'm feeling fat and wanting to start working out. Hence why I dug this list out again, as that's sort of how I'm feeling.

Sometimes this feeling has been more for others than myself. But considering that I now have a lover that is unconcerned with my weight, my feeling is more about my health and clothing sizes than anything. But I've taken a few extra steps rather than saying "I'm going to work out!" and then half-assedly doing some jumping jacks and situps for a few days.

I joined WellWorks, which is the employee workout facility for OU. While I always run into to someone I know, somehow it's more comfortable to work out amongst a bunch of employees of all ages that are really there to work out as opposed to Ping where it seemed more like a Greek hangout where people just wanted to be seen. When they had to make "no tank tops" a rule...that makes me wonder.

I've been going Monday, Wednesday, and Friday right after work. I think I've also convinced another coworker to join as well, so I'd have a workout buddy. I'm starting slow, but it feels good to be moving around more. I guess I didn't realize how lethargic I'd been.

Everyone in the house is consciously trying to eat better, and while I refuse to do the strange diets that Jackie consists of, I have found that cooking meals is rather rewarding, and there's nothing wrong with Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice meals in the freezer for lunch at work or when I'm pressed for time at home. I haven't completely changed my eating habits, but I think it's better to start slow. Something is better than nothing.

We'll see how it goes.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
5:17 pm
i am a disappointment to myself. i am behind on everything in my life. i feel as though i have slipped into a depression but for the most part i don't feel sad, i just feel apathetic. there are all kinds of things that i tell myself i will do that i never do until i absolutely have to, and this is how i have lived my entire life. i didn't clean my room when i was kid until i was threatened physically, i made up countless excuses on why i couldn't turn in projects and papers on time in classes from middle school clear through college (no wonder i didn't make it in grad school). i can't remember the last time i went to work for an entire week straight and was actually productive for all five of those days. i can't remember the last time my room was actually clean or that i cooked a decent dinner or that i felt accomplished at anything. i am a lazy fat fuck. they had us take a 'wellness profile' test at work where they take your cholesterol and glucose levels and weigh and measure you and take your blood pressure and ask you a zillion questions and then they give you a score out of 100. i scored a 24. basically, the red flag warning category. i'm too fat, my good cholesterol is too low and my bad cholesterol is much too high and i don't exercise and i don't eat right and i have a family history of heart disease and diabetes (now that my dad has it) and basically i'm on the slow road to death. serves me right, i suppose.

i have never been a self motivator. i never can just do things for the sake of doing them or because it's the right thing to do. but i need to become that way though if i'm going to survive. i've never been good at doing things for myself or that benefit myself when it's so much more fun and rewarding to do things for others. which might explain why i am so in debt. yes, me, the accountant, in debt far beyond where i should be and i'm not even talking about school loans - that just adds to the misery. people ask me why i didn't leave athens and i tell stories about how much i love this little town and i'm not ready to leave and the truth is that i'm scared to put myself out there to try to find a job where i'd actually have to be on point for the whole time i was working and that i can't afford it. i can't afford to move and i can't afford to live somewhere that costs more than $400 a month and even though i'm happier in places where there are more things to do (i felt rather at home when i was away in the city a few weekends ago) i know that living there would only throw me more into debt because i'd want to be doing all those things that i can't do here in athens. it's a vicious cycle - i barely survive by staying here and i'd never make it if i left. i hate the life i have created for myself.

remember all that bullshit they tried to teach you about goal setting when you were a kid? well, i at least thought it was bullshit because anything good that has ever happened to me really fell into my lap and it never had anything to do with what i wanted to happen, it just happened regardless of what i had planned. this was true with relationships and many things in college all the way up to finding a job. yet still, i feel as though without having some sort of defined plan i end up just floating through life. and i think for once i am tired of just floating, i want to actually live. and i'll be honest, i have no idea what that looks like. so i decided that i need a plan. a loose plan, an ever-changing constantly being revised plan, but a plan nonetheless. a plan designed to make me grow up and be a real person and help me get the fuck out of this town eventually.

to save myself from a bit of embarrassment, i shall not list the steps of this plan here. but today is the day the plan is created and here is my public declaration of the need and desire to finally change. here's to not falling on my face.

(comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page